Justice or Just Us?

“A man with a gun is a citizen. A man without a gun is a subject.” -Fredrick Douglass

I grew up in a community that was torn apart by gun violence. Getting shot, shooting, and getting arrested became a rite of passage for a community of children that developed an unhealthy association to manhood. We didn’t like the police; we lost respect for relying on them. When there was a situation that required violence we called a family member, friend, or we decided to handle it ourselves.

I was afraid of violence. I would get into fights at school, but I would never fight the kids I was really afraid of. The unwillingness to fight back persisted throughout high school. During my sophomore year, a kid ran up behind me after football practice and started hitting me in the back of the head because his ex-girlfriend left him for me. I didn’t want to fight- I walked away. I got ridiculed throughout high school. I was called a sucker and a bitch behind my back and to my face.

They used to say in the streets, “if you scared, to go to church”, so that’s what I did. I started to write Christian articles in the high school newspaper, spend my weekends reading about former presidents, and researching colleges that would allow me to run far, far away from the fear of violence I carried in the pit of my stomach throughout my childhood.

I managed to use my education to run away to Williams College in Massachusetts. but you can’t escape the fear- it comes with you. It becomes the sentiment you embrace when you’re intimidated by someone in a professional setting, when you talk yourself out of approaching the person you’re interested in, and when you are in a situation when you have to defend yourself. You can fear violence, but that doesn’t mean that violence will leave you alone.

One Friday morning in San Francisco’s Lakeview district in the Summer of 2006, I was robbed at gunpoint while parked in front of a liquor store while waiting for a friend. My younger cousin was with me. He was in high school at the time. The two young men pulled up beside us and asked us if we had any drugs. The driver pulled an Uzi from under his trench coat and pointed it at my face. Here was violence looking for me again. Having a gun in your face was a new type of fear. He was willing to risk all of our lives for the $76 my cousin and I had between us. 

My life was very far removed from anything having to do with street violence. I chose college and the church, but here was violence looking for me again. I didn’t call the police to report that incident. I called who we call when you’re from where we’re from. 

“Ok, so what we doing?” asked my contact. “Nothing, I don’t want to do nothing.” I replied. 

“I’m not the one you call when you don’t want to do nothing”, he responded, confused.

“Yeah, I know. Nevermind. I gotta go back to school in the Fall, I don’t want anybody to get hurt. Just forget that I called.” I answered.

Violence is a plague that continues to suffocate our community and our world. The nation-state will commit it in the cause of liberty, as do the others that are mentally unstable, desperate, jealous, impacted by poverty, or even gripped by my old friend Fear. Those of us living our lives to the best of our ability are left with a  simple choice: defend ourselves or be victims. 

I’ve made my choice. Never again.

Book Recommendation: The Effective Executive

Music Recommendation:All Eyez on Me - Tupac